Poem for a time

The sun shines softly and sweetly through the trees i see,

but why does it mock me so, laughing and shining as if it had no other place to be?

I tire of it, it does not fit me today, it is to bright to happy to lovely for me today.

Reality I no longer understand, I feel it slipping away from me, slowly and in pieces.

I find myself saying nice things, smiling at times, making polite conversation.

But where am I? I can't find myself any longer- I am not outside dancing in the sun, I am not inside reading a book, I am not in my head or in my heart or any other place that could be found in this universe.  

If I could be in any place right now and was not in the place of no-where, I would be drowning, slowly and surely out at sea. 

I would look above me on my back and see the bald eagles, for a time they would fly and dip as they always do, in their gentle but asynchronous orbs, sometimes following a mate, sometimes with a fish, swooping and diving, laughing and calling. They would not see me or care that I was invading the ocean space.

About the time the water started to feel like ice I would stop to feel at all. I would cease to be in a no-place, a gray zone, a place of white noise. 

The cold would encompass me and I would begin to feel numb.  But soon there would be no feeling at all and this is the place I long for. 

Soon the iciness of the water would cease my futile movement, but more importantly it would cease my futile thought. 

I treasure the thought of the thoughts ebbing away, bit by bit, slowly and surely, as the life ebbed from my limbs. The thoughts and the life so intimately tied together, so inseperable yet still binding me, for I am not gone yet.

Not yet. And then, and then there would be a moment. A moment after the thoughts and before the end or perhaps the beginning. A moment of, what? The thoughts are already gone what could this moment be? This moment free of thoughts, this moment free of pain, of worry of stress and fear, a moment of icy fragility, a long moment or short? No matter, a moment without thought.

Now the water would surround me, the lungs fill up, the sinking begins, there is no more. 

And now I see myself from an distance, the bald eagles, once so carefree, they descend.

Swooping and calling from the sky, they drop into the icy plummeting waves. 

They shout and call to each other now, for suddenly there is food for them.

I am watching from a distance as I am being devoured. It is a strange thing but a neccesary one, I needed to stop myself, they needed to have a meal.  So life goes on, for some of us.

Flipping the **** out

So there was this baby shower at work today for a mom who just had a kid, as in 10 days ago. So I went, even though I did not know the girl, it was kind of expected, during the work day and all. But oh my God! I flipped out! I could hardly look at the thing! Much less hold it which thank God I did not have to do. Now I am having one of THESE in October and I am thinking it was a bad idea for me, in all ways. Okay so it was a bad idea that is a given. But. I could not get an abortion as that would have led to my imminent divorce and I was not ready to go THERE.  I do like my husband and all.  But I am really thinking now I made the wrong decision. I always here people regret having abortions but I dont think thats entirely true and have they ever studied it the other way around? Oh of course not. Not with Focus on the Family existing, right. Well duh I forgot how totalitatarian and ridicolous our nation still is, they would ban that study or censor it or say it was wrong or shouldn't be funded by taxpayer dollars, regardless of the fact that innocent Iraqi children have been killed on taxpayer dollars too, but does Focus ever mention that? Um, no. Damn I really digressed didn't I?

     Well anyway so I freaked out, after work though which I'm sure boded much better for my career. I called Matt in Anchorage and was like, I can't hold a baby you have to take care of it for the first 3 years then I will deal with it. Um obviously he did not have much to say about that he was going to dinner. But what could you say to that, in all fairness? I always add the addendum, and I'm serious I'm not kidding because if you read it not knowing my actual state of mind you would prob think I was kidding or something.  But no. Why he has not left me Im not really sure I think maybe he does like babies or something.  I am a spaz a total nutcase and if he ran from me screaming like I run screaming from babies (or at least want to) I would not even find it odd. Funny everyone has been warning me about postpartum deppression but I'm more worried about my pre-partum psychosis. Yep. I mean you have to be in touch with reality to be upset by it, right?

   And this coupled with the fact that my solutions are not really viable. Of which I had two: abortion and secondly, adoption. Now the first was out based on the aforementioned reasons but the second is also out because I am married. If your married you need two people to sign. So I am stuck. My only option is moving myself, as in leaving. And that just doesn't seem like a good option, either.  So i wonder how long I will last, if I will last at all. It will be interesting to see if I do.  Well there is always the job or a job, somewhere, at least here in Kodiak I have learned alot of things.  I could move somewhere and work and throw myself into it  like I always have. Funny then, I would have 35 plus kids but be more comfortable with all of them than my one.  Funny how things go.  Oh well, sigh. I guess there comes a point in time where you stop being upset and remove yourself from the picture. It looks a little funny at first but once your eyes adjust you realize that it is still kind of what you thought it was to begin with...

No online forgiveness for me

So a while back I was blogging on the conservative christian website (like Baptist conservative okay like southern baptist conservative). I enjoyed it and it was fun because I spiced up conversations. And I learned from other people. Most recently I blogged about why feminism has such a bad rap in the church. Wow. Did I ever get responses, now it 13 pages and counting, more than almost any other blog topic I have seen. Lots of lively conversation going back and forth. Oh, but I forget to mention I got kicked off the blog? Yep. I was blogging on a different topic (church and state or socialism or abortion or something) and this person was being really mean, so I made this kinda snide comment about Kool-Aid, you know implying that he had been drinking too much Kool-Aid or why would he have such a stupid opinion? I didn't actually say stupid, anyway. So I got kicked off and have not been able to respond to the feminism blog, which is sad because its really interesting. So I thought I would comment on my blog as the urge to write was unrelenting.  What strikes me the most is the heated debates I see on the issue of feminism, and really it gets down to the "Mommy wars". So you have the working moms and the SAHM's. And they just went back and forth back and forth, it was like being at the Wimbledon or something.  And they all rationalized their opinions using the Bible so eloquently. But constantly jabbing at each other the whole time. Like, one would say, I believe in equality but feel no need to fill a man's role or take over a man's place. Oh classic. Or, a woman's place in the home is seperate but equal to a man's place in the workforce. Okay the concept made was seperate but equal maybe not in that exact words, yeah that one really disturbed me. I was like, deja vu, seperate but equal, haven't we heard this before somewhere? Wait, wait, its coming to me! AH yes, Brown v, Board of Education! Yeah......

     Okay so overall you can probably guess where my heart was. But in all fairness I really thought the SAHM's were a bit more nasty about it all than the working moms (well with one exception, and no not me, I didnt get kicked off this post, remember?) It was like they had a chip on their shoulder or something and had to prove it all or something. Okay whatever I just posed the question you don't have to go off, you know? 

     Now, I used to think being a SAHM was like, the inner circle of hell or something (Dante's inferno which is rather difficult to read but you always sound so educated if you reference it, right, ahhh Milton but whatever he's so much better than Faulkner, I digress.) But now I think its not really the end of the world, their probably about the same. Maybe you make a little more money working, maybe not depends on your job. Maybe its better long-term to secure the retirement or secure the job for when your kid is older or whatever.  Maybe you are more suicidal if you are a working mom, maybe you go more schizophrenic if you are a SAHM (I could see being delusional or developing multiple Disney personalities at the very least). So, who cares, really? It all kinda works out in the wash right? Well I think it would. Maybe because I would only stay at home a year if I stayed at home and I am only having one kid to stay at home any length of time for. Now I think this is the perfect solution. Have one kid stay at home a year or two, no big deal. Move on make money socialize the little tyke at day-care, whatever.  Im not losing sleep over this. Maybe if I had two I would but oh dear God why would you want two children? One is the loneliest number, well no er wait a minute. No one is the COOLEST number that you've ever seen totally. 

    Its amazing how shocked and appalled people are that Im only having one and getting everything severed afterwards. Like I will change my mind or something. I dont really change my mind much, well only about food. Maybe some other minor aspects of life.  But not the major things. Now I decided a long time ago I wanted: Doc martens, a tatoo, to dye my hair blue, and get three holes in my ears, Im still working on all that, I never changed my mind. Those things I have wanted since I was 13.  I wanted to marry my husband at about 18 and I never changed my mind about him being the one for me. So no I will not change my mind. 

   So the mommy war crap, whatever. I guess to be polite as a woman you have to pretend to care about these things I will learn to be polite. I will learn to be like, oh no of course I don't let my 1 year old watch tv, or I would never dream of exposing him to rap music at an early age (of course I intend to teach him how to rap using 90's karoake). I would never put a NOW t-shirt on my toddler? Hey if anyone wants to send me a gift, a baby feminist shirt would be awesome for a boy or girl, gotta start early, right?  I will be like, I never swear! And, like, I never drink anymore! And, he goes to bed at 7 every night! And smile, and nod. Hehe. Well, anyway. I don't think all liars go to hell, well maybe they do. Hmmm. Maybe I will just smile and not say anything hehe. And did you see that new movie thats out now? You know the with lots of action, like Rambo 5? Oh of course my kid didn't see Rambo 5, oh damn. I'm going down... oh well...

Song for the kid

So kiddo here you go.

I'm supposed to sing a rhyming song to you.

Probably not a song just about my new shoes (but they are Doc Martens and totally awesome and, but wait it must rhyme..)

I learned this fact today about the hour of three, 

it was far too soon for my afternoon tea (although I prefer coffee but I digress)

from a lovely lady named Christina who is an SLP.

So Christina said to me,

Alyson, you must drink some tea (thats not actually what she said but it rhymes and thats the point here um anyway)

No, she said to me, (and nothing about tea, really), you must rhyme! You must say rhymes! To your kiddo who lives below...

because if you do he/she will show...

wonderful literacy skills at the age of five! 

And besides that he will also understand how to dive! (without your even teaching it, amazing hungh?)

Okay so I lied about the diving part, I think they really have to learn how to swim first you can't teach swimming before birth unlike reading, apparently...

So kiddo this is your rhyming song,

Now I will probably not be singing it all day long...

because I have to work, I have to work and eat and play, 

with other little kids who you probably hear all day.  

But just so you know, how much I love you so,

here is my rhyming song, from me, Aly. 

And that is spelled, A, L, Y

From your dad and I, we say hi. 

We will see you fairly soon, probably on a night with a full moon. 

But you will be cool, and you will rap in school, just like Eminem,

and maybe even be like Lil Kim (if your a girl).

And all this rapping and rhyming will help you read,

and that will lead,

to good things for you all life long. 

Which is why I sing my song.

You could even have a cool name, Like Brandy D or Lijah E if you wanted to be ghetto,

you know instead of playing in meadows.

That would be totally phat, there would be nothing wrong with that.

If you wanted to wear shades, or even play some spades (as long as you don't gamble you know)

If you wanted long hair or short, 

as long as you dont pick on someone with a wart.

Cuz you've got to be nice, kind and all that,

but also be strong and stand up for what's right, which is why you should be a Democrat!

(just don't tell your dad :)

What if Matthews weren't allowed?

So I spared dear Matthew much suffering and took it upon myself to get out all of the cheesy, girly, and/or otherwise sentimental/indie type movies I know he does not appreciate while he is in Anchorage.  

     I began with a movie I have been meaning to see ever since it came out, out of curiosity more than anything, Brokeback Mountain. I am slowly getting around to my "to do" list. I have most recently checked off my first pair of Doc Martens for my 30 Birthday (only I had to send them back to get a 1/2 size smaller).  What remains? Triple pierce my ears (may do that soon but dont know of a place on Kodiak), dye my hair blue, (you know something around the turqoisey, aquamarine variety), and get a Farsi tatoo of the word, wisdom on my ankle (but will wait a year on that one).  So if you are a parent the lesson here is you might as well let your kid: get the tatoo, dye the hair, get the piercing early on, because I have not ever "grown out" of it, its just made the way to the bucket list, so to speak.  I have no idea why. But I digress. Back to brokeback.

       The movie was quite good, surprisingly although the manner in which Heath Ledger and the other actor (I can't remember who it was) worked out their relationship was rather lacking. And the fact that neither of them really seemed "gay" (not to stereo-type but you know).  It was not all what I would have expected, in a good way.  What was heartbreaking, was that here were these two gruff guys who could not figure out their relationship and/or work it out out of fear, primarily. Heath Ledger recalls "two guys who lived together who got the crap beat out of em" in his impressionable youth and so tones the nature of the relationship to never being possible for either of them.  He gets married, then divorced, the other guy gets married as well.  But their relationships with women were sorely lacking and fell apart at the seams.  Sometimes I thought that their relationship was based on an escape. That is, they escaped the responsibilities of married life and children by being with each other, on a "fishing trip" whatever.  But the way the movie was done it became much more than that and I could tell that it was not so much an escape as it was the way they wished things could be. Now I am not sure what time era the movie takes place (I assume not modern day) but it seemed very old-fashioned, etc.  So it was tasteful, it was a well done movie.  But it got me thinking (of course) and this is where I struggle in my faith.

     How often do we judge a moral issue for another person of which we have no knowledge of, ability to relate to? How convenient for a straight person to say that being gay is wrong, for example. Do we really want to go there, do we really want to think about if it were us? What would we do if our faith forbade us from loving another person? Whatever their gender? 

And so I thought about Matthew. And it struck me, what if Matthew's weren't allowed? (now he will kill me for writing this bc he is conservative and would probably not appreciate me making this argument, but. It is essential for my musings here hmmm...)  In other words, what if I were not allowed to marry, love, etc be with any-one named Matthew? It could be other names, but not Matthews. It would be morally wrong if I were with a Matthew, for example. Now could I really give up my Matthew because it was wrong to love a Matthew? Hmmm it would be very difficult. I know I should say I would. But there is a crux for me because I don't know that I could.  Because I really love Matthew and he is really the only one for me.  So I guess I am really glad he is allowed for me and all.  So that is my struggle.  I love my Christian faith I do. It is a story of repentance and grace and love and turning from hate and bitterness and fear to the light of God's truth. It is about being kind to others, caring for all, loving all (and it is a bit socialist too I think but don't tell anyone :)   Jesus' example and sacrifice is something I believe in wholeheartedly. But I find it difficult to believe He would forbid love of a Matthew, or technically I guess acting on the love of a matthew after marrying one, except thats not allowed, well for the people illustrated in the movie... I should dwell on the growing of my faith in the areas I have peace with, I know. But sometimes it is hard to get over imagining life without or forbidden from Matthew....