Flipping the **** out

So there was this baby shower at work today for a mom who just had a kid, as in 10 days ago. So I went, even though I did not know the girl, it was kind of expected, during the work day and all. But oh my God! I flipped out! I could hardly look at the thing! Much less hold it which thank God I did not have to do. Now I am having one of THESE in October and I am thinking it was a bad idea for me, in all ways. Okay so it was a bad idea that is a given. But. I could not get an abortion as that would have led to my imminent divorce and I was not ready to go THERE.  I do like my husband and all.  But I am really thinking now I made the wrong decision. I always here people regret having abortions but I dont think thats entirely true and have they ever studied it the other way around? Oh of course not. Not with Focus on the Family existing, right. Well duh I forgot how totalitatarian and ridicolous our nation still is, they would ban that study or censor it or say it was wrong or shouldn't be funded by taxpayer dollars, regardless of the fact that innocent Iraqi children have been killed on taxpayer dollars too, but does Focus ever mention that? Um, no. Damn I really digressed didn't I?

     Well anyway so I freaked out, after work though which I'm sure boded much better for my career. I called Matt in Anchorage and was like, I can't hold a baby you have to take care of it for the first 3 years then I will deal with it. Um obviously he did not have much to say about that he was going to dinner. But what could you say to that, in all fairness? I always add the addendum, and I'm serious I'm not kidding because if you read it not knowing my actual state of mind you would prob think I was kidding or something.  But no. Why he has not left me Im not really sure I think maybe he does like babies or something.  I am a spaz a total nutcase and if he ran from me screaming like I run screaming from babies (or at least want to) I would not even find it odd. Funny everyone has been warning me about postpartum deppression but I'm more worried about my pre-partum psychosis. Yep. I mean you have to be in touch with reality to be upset by it, right?

   And this coupled with the fact that my solutions are not really viable. Of which I had two: abortion and secondly, adoption. Now the first was out based on the aforementioned reasons but the second is also out because I am married. If your married you need two people to sign. So I am stuck. My only option is moving myself, as in leaving. And that just doesn't seem like a good option, either.  So i wonder how long I will last, if I will last at all. It will be interesting to see if I do.  Well there is always the job or a job, somewhere, at least here in Kodiak I have learned alot of things.  I could move somewhere and work and throw myself into it  like I always have. Funny then, I would have 35 plus kids but be more comfortable with all of them than my one.  Funny how things go.  Oh well, sigh. I guess there comes a point in time where you stop being upset and remove yourself from the picture. It looks a little funny at first but once your eyes adjust you realize that it is still kind of what you thought it was to begin with...